Malam

Malam menjelma setelah bersiang keletihan,

Satu perkara yang aku mahu pinta dari Tuhan,

“Allah, aku mahu Kau hapus rasa cinta aku pada dia… Aku terlalu letih dengan perasaan ini…”

Aku tak mahu benci,

Aku tak mahu sakit,

Aku tak mahu gembira,

Aku tak mahu dendam kerana dia.

 

Cinta itu aku mahu Kau lenyap terus…

Sakit ini… Allahurabbi…

 

 

 

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Fate

Life will comes to death.

I had been thinking of what my mom had requested last night.

“Yah. Ibu nak mintak tolong dgn yayah selepas ibu sudah mati nanti.”

“….. Ya ibu. Apa dia?”

“Tolong sedekahkan dekat ibu surah Al-Mulk setiap hari. Sekali dengan surah al-ikhlas 3 kali..”

“InsyaaAllah, ibu..”

She knew that I had been keep reciting surah Al-Mulk in each night. And I didn’t know that she’s actually listened to every thought that I had keeping deep inside.

I feel so scared.. I feel scared of losing her..

‘macam mana kalau dia tak sempat nak bersama-sama aku untuk sambut kebahagiaan & kejayaan yang aku kongsikan dengan dia…’

I love her so much.. But, you know.. Lost will comes to you, and it will never going to be same as before. You’re losing your soulmate..

 

Tabah, Hidayah. Hidup ini hanyalah sebagai alat untuk mencapai kebahagiaan yang hakiki. Bergeraklah.

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It’s Hard

Matahari yang terik membuatkan sekalian manusia di bumi Kelantan berpeluh basah dan tak mungkin hari itu setitik air hujan akan jatuh ke bumi. Aku rasa sesiapa yang sedang dalam kemarahan, mulutnya takkan berhenti membebel kepanasan melainkan hatinya mampu bersabar walau sesaat.

Petang itu, aku sedang beriadah di trek jogging USM bersama-sama dengan lagu-lagu kegemaran aku. Peliknya untuk aku tiba-tiba ingin beriadah setelah beberapa bulan meninggalkan aktiviti ini. Ya, memang aku seorang yang pemalas bergerak dan aku akan melakukan aktiviti riadah ketika hanya ada sebab, iaitu ketika aku sangat bersedih dan kecewa dengan manusia.

Orang kata, berjalan jauh mampu membuka minda kita menjadi lebih luas dan juga kurangkan stress. Jadi aku ambil peluang itu secukupnya.

Trek jogging sepanjang 2500m dikelilingi dengan pokok-pokok kehijauan, sekumpulan burung layang-layang bertebangan manakala kepelbagaian serangga bersembunyian disebalik daun pokok dan rumput. Situasi ini tidak jauh daripada kitaran alam flora dan fauna yang boleh menyenangkan fikiran manusia.

Aku berjalan dengan tempo yang sederhana supaya aku dapat menikmati alam dan walaupun tidaklah laju mana aku berjalan,namun aku tetap basah dengan peluh. Pada jarak trek yang ke 2000m, tiba-tiba anggota badan aku rasa tidak menyenangkan.

Bahagian sulit aku tiba-tiba kejang seperti kena senggugut, setiap langkah aku menyengat di bahagian tersebut.

‘Aku perlu pegang tiang untuk ┬ámenahan sakit nih,’ fikirku.

Aku bergerak perlahan-lahan ke arah tiang dan cuba menarik nafas sedalam-dalamnya. Mimik muka aku berubah dan tangan kiri aku menekan bahagian sakit manakala tangan kanan menggenggam tiang sekuatnya.

Setelah beberapa kali aku tarik nafas, aku cuba berjalan lagi sekali tapi hampa, sakit masih menyengat lagi,

‘Ya Allah, sakitnya. Apa patut aku buat lagi nih…?’

Aku masih tak berputus asa menarik nafas kerana aku fikir,

‘kalau aku tetap nak sampai ke tempat parkir kereta aku. Aku tak boleh berputus asa di tengah jalan nih…’

Ketika aku sedang berusaha kurangkan sakit ini, ada sepasang suami isteri yang berumur melalui di tempat aku. Si suami seperti mengarah isterinya tengokkan aku,

“Are you ok, miss?” tanyanya.

“It’s okay. My vagina is a bit cramped… I need to take a deep breath…” jawabku dengan rasa sakit dan sedikit senyuman memaparkan rasa terima kasih kepada mereka kerana mengambil berat.

“It’s almost my period time..” gurauku.

“Yeah… Sure. Take a deep breath ya…” ulang si isteri dengan senyuman risau dan sambil tangannya mengarah aku untuk menarik nafas.

Selepas beberapa saat kemudian, sakit yang menyengat itu berkurangan.

‘boleh dah kot jalan…’

Aku membuka langkah perlahan-lahan. Rasa sakit itu sudah hilang dan aku mula sambung berjalan kembali ke tempat parkir kereta aku. Hati aku rasa lega kerana tak perlu menyusahkan orang lain tentang masalah aku ini.

Aku pulang ke rumah dengan senang hati dan rupanya mereka sedang menanti aku,

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Dan saat itu juga, hati aku terdetik,

‘walaupun seteruk mana manusia jatuhkan aku… Aku tetap kena bergerak. Walaupun hati aku berbekas luka di tempat yang sama, tak bermakna aku perlu memarahi bekas itu lagi…’

*****

‘When you have no reason to love someone,

You just can’t find any reason to stop loving him..’

Walaupun dia selalu sakitkan hati aku, tapi tak pernah rasa cinta aku berganjak.

Tindakan dia sama saja seperti ayah aku iaitu cinta pertama aku dan abang-abang aku. Selalu saja sakitkan hati aku, tapi aku tak pernah nak berputus asa untuk mereka.

Tindakan mereka sama saja seperti lelaki yang pengecut… Gunakan aku ketika inginkan sesuatu. Apabila aku meminta sesuatu, langsung tak hiraukan dan buat aku seperti menyusahkan, malah boleh pula tunaikan permintaan orang lain.

Buat aku seperti tiang di kaki lima. Sekali aku cabut tiang, mahu runtuh bumbung atas mereka. Biar mereka tahu bertapa peritnya menahan bumbung yang meneduh mereka…

Semua perkara boleh dibawa perbincangan dengan elok, tetapi kenapa setiap kali aku ingin berbincang, selalu saja seperti aku yang beria-ria dan aku menjadi punca sesuatu menjadi keruh.

Aku tak tahu nak buat apa lagi, seumpama masuk telinga kanan, keluar telinga kiri. Aku masih ikhlas sayangkan dia, tapi betul ke dia sayangkan aku?

Aku hanya pinta perasaan dalam hati aku nih yang masih tertanya-tanya keikhlasan darinya itu, adakah ia adalah benar seperti apa yang aku sangkakan..

Betulkah dia cintakan aku..? Dia tak mahukah perasaan ini menjadi kenyataan…?

Sebab aku mahu…

 

P.s: saya tahu kadang2 tindakan saya seperti tergesa-gesa, tapi tak bermakna awak perlu melambatkan sesuatu hanya kerana kesilapan saya yang satu itu…

Tindakan saya memang terburu-buru, tetapi hati saya jarang sekali keras. Awak tahu kan?

Hotel California

“He’d given this opportunity, and He will take this opportunity..”

What was I wishing for?

“I want lots of money to buy cars, house, travel around the world and bring fortunes to my families..! And then, I want to be loved..!”

I was so naived back then..

If I will be granted for something, I want to have a bloody cold-hearted who had loss her sensational to be loved.

They said love is beautiful, but I ruined everything. I make myself being cynical to love because I had been in loved to someone who are getting more and more full of pride.

Now, I take everything I had said before, and I want them on my shelves so that I can laughed it out as someday when I meet up a better person. Someone that can treats me for what I deserved. Someone who can valued me for who I am.

I reasoned, as I was getting into bed, I recited a doa,

“In the name of Allah, I shall live and die. And in the name of Allah, I shall love my husband.”

My heart was pounded with this doa,

“At last, those time has come.. This real feeling is deserved for my husband, and I should not dwelling with someone who doesn’t want to grow and live with me..

If I was brave enough to let it in, I am brave enough to let it go now..”

I had been giving him so many chances, but he slipped them away. Instead, he made me looks desperate and shameless for almost everytime…

My heart could only cry and cry for almost everytime we had a bad time, and then I had to settle up by myself..

I was always had a trust on him, “he is not that bad, he was just been discreet. He will come up for something.”

But, he won’t showed up to confront me. Always discreet.. Played safe and enjoyed the show with his own boring life.. Then he left me alone guessing for everything and exhausting my soul..

My heart was likely to tell that he doesn’t even trust for what my heart could do..

Keeping me waiting for too long. Maybe, for him, it’s still not long enough coz he’s already got for what he wants, his rainbows. No wonder my trust to him was faded..

As he never did anything as alibi making me fall for him, thus, it was my faults for falling to him, and he has no responsible for this feelings. I had to pick myself up like for everytime, again.

Maybe he doesn’t even read this entry because he was been intimidated for what I did…

To round up, I only could see in our photos as,

“It was beautiful… but I feel ashamed to myself right now. And why I don’t hate him..?”

Anyways… I want him to be happy with his own choice. And I don’t want getting his ways anymore.

Those rejections he had made.. maybe his heart was at ease…

.. Thank you for everything. So.. As if letting you go can make you happy, then I would be delighted to leave you alone..

At least.. That’s the love I could give to you…

 

*****

 

Well, there’s nothing to lose in here, and I just want to listen to this dark song from The Eagle (Hotel California). I can relate their lyrics to myself and to somebody out there.. maybe. It was like as I can swim further deep inside into this song…

What I could explained in my own literature about this song is the tune wondering inside a very kind person who’d lost, and searching for hope in the desert place. Who would love staying for too long in that kind of place anyway? Unlikely you’re like a bushman in The God Must Be Crazy.

So, there was a Hotel California, a place of highest ranking, but yet, what’s the possible things going to happens inside those hotel.

How come a person could ignored those opportunity to cure the deserted feeling inside him/her. So, he/she bravely took those chance by check-in into those hotel, and he/she was indeed dancing in the hotel with everyone else.

“Some of them were dancing to remember and some of them were dancing to forget.”

Well, those nights were resembled to the Night Fever..

A plot twist happened in those lovely place,

He/She saw something terribles at the back inside of the hotel. No need for me to explain what’s happened.. He/she must escaped from those hotel… And yet, he/she must joined them for the feast as…. So, that was the last thing he/she could remember..

This could be just like in the social medias.. It is addictive & most of the things had to go through approval from the netizens, gosh.. No difference than a prisoner.

Yes, it was very unfortunate, and we were too late to turn back time and fixed everything.. Unless, you can come out for something,

Maybe, bringing out the courage inside you getting into the unknown.. And forget those feast, coz you are singing this song right now telling a story.

 

P.s:

No P.S.

September

I had read an article in AwaniNews, it’s about ‘Netizen menitik air mata: Bella kongsi video saat lahirkan anaknya..’. Actually.. I don’t know who’s Bella is. But, that article catches my eyes to wrote about a tragedy that befalls to my families especially my sister, Noor Diana and her husband, Ahmad Fadhli or we called them as Nana & ayahli.

Nana is a teacher, yea cikgu pengawas & mengajar ekonomi asas di salah satu sekolah di Wilayah Persekutuan Kuala Lumpur and she presenting many positions and dedicated to her jobs.. Yea, she loves her job as a teacher. Early year of 2016, we got a really welcoming news, she was pregnant for the first time after 4 years of waiting and hard work. How’s I really was happy for that news..

So, we expecting her dues end of the year, and she’s even booked me to take care of her welfare during her pantang. Of course I was agreed with it. Saper tak sayang kakak ketirian kecayangan sayer nih? Hihii..

But.. Unfortunately.. Well, we didn’t knew it comes. Early September of 2016, at one night, my families couldn’t slept well. My nephew, Adam was crying sadly for whole night and morning. Masa tuh kami tak tahu kenapa dia menangis tersendu-sendu dan tangisan dia bukan dibuat-buat untuk meminta sesuatu. Tangisan seperti sedih yang teramat sangat..

Pukul 7 pagi esoknya, ibu terima panggilan daripada abang ipar saya, ayahli. Kedengaran tangisan seorang lelaki, “Ibu, nana keguguran. Hana meninggal…” Lalu ibu beritahu seluruh keluarga akan berita itu. Dan aku hanya mampu terduduk di tepi katil dan termenung seketika. Innalillahiwainnailaihirojiuun…

Ibu memasuki ke dalam bilik, dan aku ternampak air mata bergenang di pipi dia. I cried so hard and I seldomly saw my mom crying that hard.. I was sure that my another sister, Baiduri or we called her as Bie was crying hard like us. We got those common.. Maybe because we are the women that lived in CJs families, very tough women.

Jadi, tanpa melengahkan masa lagi, kami bersiap-siap dan bergegas ke Hospital Bersalin KL. Yea, it was my birthplace too, “Hana, we had a common.” Sampai kat sana, kami berganti-ganti masuk ke bilik bersalin. When it was my turned, I met my sister with a smile and I helped her out to adjust her bedridden position because she was not comfortable. So, I asked her Hana’s whereabouts. Masa tu, misi tengah buat persediaan untuk jenazah, I curi-curi tengok arwah Hana. Her faced looks alike ayahli’s mother and she was paled with dark and blue skins. All words that I could said to her,

“Terima kasih Hana kerana dah menggembirakan mama, ayah & kami semua selama 100 hari..”

So.. After that, I took care of my sister’s whereabouts and keeping her house clean while she’s at her pantang. No one could helped her except me, so, I offered her my hands.

Today is Arwah Hana’s birthday. Supposed, she’s already 1 year old.. I am sure she’s waiting so eargerly for her parents and our families. I miss you, my niece. You’re the most beautiful gift we did have in this world…

I could cry now..

1st September.

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Too Long..

“Mixed feelings about the ending..”

Supposed they’re asking for more from him. Like,

“what happened next to that guy? This stories are not going to end like this..”

Gosh.. I’m helpless now. I wish I can go tell him,

“Man, please working out that again. How I really want to read your stories more and more… And for real, I just can’t stop clarifying your mind and emotions…”

sms-to-say-sorry-to-your-girl

It has been too long since his last writing. You know, how should I say that, really, I feel connected for most of his words…

I just hope he didn’t stop just like that. I miss that moments..

But, of course, it is up to him.

P.s: Those words, “I know you can do it..” they keep spinning around my head.. And I don’t know what we can do for us, but still I want to grow with you.

More p.s: can I call you ‘Man’?