Things changed

“Unexpected will happens when you less expected”

My days didn’t last worthless. Sometimes, we have to be brave breaking our heart just in order to open a new world.

“Who would dare doing that?”

I don’t dare. I just do it.

Some people may need a just little bit of courage to do that but some people, they need abundance of courage and evidences just to plan for that.

It’s not their fault, it just that they’re really3x sensitive plus it’s in their blood for being discreet. Hey, I’m sensitive too, but I really don’t take into heart for too long, I have to let go as fast as I could just to get moving on. Yeah, eventho it will come again, but nevermind. It will heal sooner. InsyaaAllah.

Hmmm.. Why I’m talking about this?πŸ˜… maybe I just read someone post about his acknowledgement to his future k… Well, it always make me feeling ‘sayu’ everytime I read ‘that’… Teringat pulak masa baru beli buku dia, still in packaging and I had really a hard time to open it up coz my hands were full with plastic bags and then he offered me to put my stuffs on his table. I was really2 appreciate that😭, coz nobody, I mean guy, did that to me. I have to handle it myself and sometimes, I need to ask for help first instead of been willingly giving a hand…

Hmmm.. But I just don’t know what to do.. It’s all up to him and Him. I suppose I shouldn’t bothered by his decision but what’s bothering me was why I still have that feelings instead of letting him go just like anyone else? It turns me mad, you know. Not mad like gila, but it’s like sayang. And sometimes, selfish. And sometimes, pasrah.. And it’s sad..

Anyways, I want to write in my diaries of somekind of my journeys few days ago in KL but the internet was down coz of ribut days ago. Hmmm well, freelance katakan, no fixed routines and money but still got a delightful story to tell. Don’t envy what I’m doing and don’t try this at home, okeh?πŸ˜‰

P.s:

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Glow

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“Anggap sahaja mereka itu penyinggah dalam hidup kau.”

Seorang yang setia memang agak susah untuk mempunyai falsafah hidup begini. Tapi ia tidak bermakna setia itu melemahkan apabila dinodai.

Cuma dia belajar untuk satu, iaitu lebih setia kepada yang Maha Esa. Mungkin kamu tak dapat melepaskan, tapi satu hari.. Allah timpakan perasaan, redha. Di mana hanya hati berkata2 baik dan mulut mengukir senyuman “Aku boleh lakukannya.”

Bagi dia, “Cinta itu pengubat luka, tetapi cinta itu dia tidak dapat dimiliki.”

Pada awalnya dia mampu mengharungi laut yang gelap tapi dia lupa untuk menerangi dirinya dahulu iaitu mengeluarkan cahayanya yang tersendiri..

Ya, dia hanya perlukan cahaya untuk memanggil mereka yang leka berenang..

P.s: dia itu aku…

Anyways, I’m not swimming for the shore. I’m just floating myself, and I’m not sure if your clapped of waves had dragged me to the shore coz it’s your choice to clap the ocean either dragging me out or pulling me back.

Of course I know you’re bleeding again coz you’re the one making the scratch to the old scar. And how would I possibly stop the bleeding when you’re not letting me? Bila sakit, buatlah cara orang sakit… Minta bantuan.

 

“Satu ketika nanti, jika aku berpeluang mempunyai anak-anak. Aku ingin biarkan mereka tangisi akan kehilangan.. Dan kembali ke dalam sujud Β supaya mereka dapat bangkit kembali menjadi insan yang baru dan kekalkan yang baik..”

Leave or left?

Have you ever been left behind?

So, yesterday, my families left me here with my parents. I couldn’t hide my feelings, and I burst my tears on my bed.

My families, they were reluctant to leave me, they wished that they could spend more time with me and my parents, and of course they had to leave for their own commitment.

They hugged me so dearly and saying sorry to me. It happened almost everytime, and it brought me back to the time when my mom fallen sick. They had no choice but must leave me here took care of my mom, alone..

So then, I walked my niece, Barizah to her dad’s car by holding her hand,

“Barizah. Barizah nak tinggalkan suyah ke? Atau Barizah nak tinggal dengan suyah dekat sini?”

She replied,

“Barizah nak suyah ikut Barizah..”

“…. Tapi Suyah tak boleh ikut Barizah. Suyah kena jaga tokbapak dan tokibu dekat sini..”

She kept silent, and my sister told her,

“Nanti2 suyah boleh datang jumpa Barizah kat Kuantan. Cuyah bizi sangat.”

“Hahah. Saper yang bz sebenarnya nih? Suyah ke Barizah? Hihii.. Bukan ke Barizah school? Suyah mana skool dah, suyah tak work” I just gave a big smile to her while Barizah looked at me so quietly and,

“Babah! Mama! Bagi suyah masuk kereta sekali. Suyah kena ikut Barizah..”

There’s tears inside her eyes..

I’m sorry my dear. I really need you, but things don’t going well for me. It won’t cured my brokenness.

It’s been almost a fortnight.

I still don’t know if I able to fix my broken wing. I keep fixing it but still the brokenness always come back again. In fact I still can’t move on from him.

Almost every minutes and moments I remembered him, eventhough I kept busy for myself. But, still he’s dragging me back. I was stucked with hope.

I was trying to hate him so that I can move on and push myself harder. But, it causes otherwise, I became hardened to people. I lost my tempered to them. It made me hate of myself..

Why he’s doing this to me?(he knows it better what he had done..) If he ever asking me to put all the blames on him, but, in fact, I couldn’t do that. The Almighty Allah always reminds me of to forgive him.

Everytime I put the blame on him, I get suffocated with regrets and missing him.

If he ever wants me to come back, but, everytime I getting near to him, I was the one who’s in pain for being ignored.

Everytime I move away from him, I loss.

And now.. What should I do? Should I blamed myself for having a deep feeling toward him..? Coz nothing will working out if he doesn’t want to commit..

My heart always stayed here for him, but how long it’s going to make it?

 

P.s: I was been rejected but everytime someone I trust asking me about him, I kept silent. Deep down inside my heart, I still love him and I want to be real with him.. Hope is there, but.. It sad.

 

“You can’t blame yourself anymore coz we’re all make our own choices..”

Harung

Last night I couldn’t had a proper sleep. Dwelling with uncertainty and I don’t want to concur to what I had believed. I slept around 2 o’clock in the morning then woke up at 3.45am and drove off to my late grandfather’s house, TokAyah, my mom’s side.

Its creepy me out to go earlier than that coz I had experienced see ‘something’ at that house compund.

So, early this morning I was helping out my auntie, Mek Semah preparing the Nasi Dagang which was called ‘harung nasi dagei’ for my cousin’s engagement occasion.

Yeah, like 20kg of beras nasi dagang. Keluarga besar katakan.. And of course it was not an easy thing to cook. You need a proper technique and kesabaran. That’s why masakan melayu agak renyah untuk dimasak tetapi tersangat sedap berbanding western.

My auntie, she’s was adopted into my mother’s families and was trained with traditional cuisine. And no doubt, she’s really pro & a legend to us. I learned alot about cooking from her and my mother.

When I was a baby, Mek Semah was taking care of me while my mom was admitted into hospital, and maybe that’s why I quite rapat with her now.

So, almost these 7 years I had always helping her out early in the morning hari raya or any day that held any families’ occasion.

And now I’m a bit tired and want to get a nap. Bye.

P.s: eemmmmmm….. Baru perasan.. Jari kena steam kukus tdi.. Sakit.. 😒

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Harung nasi dagei 😁
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Nasi dagang for breakfast… Nyummm πŸ˜‹
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Can you spot Qu Puteh? Yeah, the cat’s name.

30 Ramadhan 1438H

It’s the end of Ramadhan.

Taking care of my parents’ health & welfare during Ramadhan were not as easy as I thought. There’s few times they’re having hypoglycemia, so, I took care of everything in here and listened to.. Well, what else.

Let us hope for a better, and thank you Allah, for the opportunity and unforgettable lessons.

I don’t want to elaborate all, just read my old posts.

 

P.s: Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir & Batin

Truth

I was never failed asking Allah to protect him from fitna. But I forgot, I was too can bring the fitna.

I was making doa to Allah to open his heart to tell the truth. Now I got the answered but I felt empty and sad when I read it in a first place and of course again. It was always got into my sleep as a nightmare. And it pissed me off.

Maybe this was the outcome for me chasing over the big whales in a big ocean.

But I don’t lose hope for making doa. To open my heart to let go but it doesn’t means I’m a quitter.

Thing is.. Deep down I had a feeling, that he’s lying.. But, how would you trust yourself if he’s already told the otherwise.

That’s why, I keep asking to Allah to makes me have a courage to let him go..

Coz why do you need to convince more to someone who doesn’t want you?

Why do you need to hurt yourself more for someone who don’t want to fight for you?

In fact, in reality, most people see him as a perfect guy while I’m not.

I can’t see him as a perfect. But I see him as him. A person who’s making mistakes and need more time to be fixed. A person who’s hiding his own feelings. A person who’s had been lost. A person who’s wants to be loved but intimidated to commits.

But he’s not that bad. Maybe he’s a discreet guy. And he just needs time to fix himself and as like I told him before that those one night dream. I could see him losing, and I don’t want him to give up just because of things got bad. It was only been hurts at that moment not the whole life.

Well, I wish I could tell him again personally. But, nak buat macam mana. Dah dia tak nak saya ganggu dia lagi. Dan dia kata dah..

Argh.. Taknak ingat balik… It’s hurt you know…

Better walk out like a cat.

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Dulu bila cinta aku bertepuk sebelah tangan, hati aku sakit tapi aku jadi lega dan redha untuk melepaskan. Tapi, yang sekarang ini, Allah sahaja yang tahu sakit tuh macam mana.

Dan orang lain takkan faham walaupun dia pernah alaminya. Jadi buat apa perlu dihuraikan lagi.

Hati aku redha dengan apa yang berlaku. Harapan masih ada, tetapi, bukan seperti dulu. Cuma kadang2 rasa ya, kadang2 bukan kot.

Letih ar nak peduli. Baik main ps4, fokus dekat game.

 

P.s: Sometimes, we need to break the rules for happiness. No ones know better than you and Him.

Forgotten

I was once did send a first love letter to my crush. It was a cinta monyet. But, a few days after that, my friends told me he’s already had someone.

So, he made no answer for my letter. But I pushed him to reply me back, so few weeks later, he answered me,

“Salam Hidayah,

Aku nak minta maaf dekat hang, aku sebenarnya sudah berpunya. Aku harap hang tak mengharap lagi.

Wassalam.”

I kept that letter in my diary. I reopened it, and I read again and again till I memorized every words. But, my diary, it was already gone including the letter. So, I really don’t care about it anymore.

But those words, they came back into my life, into my mind and into my soul again..

They made me bewildered to believe or not. And I was been intimidated of it for every morning.. Adding with having a gastric problems due to many stressed that I can’t control.

It bullied me. But this time, it was in different manners.

It took longer than I expected and I didn’t know it’s coming..

But, sometimes, it doesn’t means you should know the reasons. It was that, you need to let it go and lived.

Instead of that I felt like,
I was been insulted,
I was been disrespected,
I was been disgraced,
I was been taken for granted.

The love letters are now become the black letters. A full pitch black paper that the white ink could never get through it…

He don’t deserved for me.
He’s unworthy for me.
He’s pathetic.
He’s going to always be happy, but someday,

He will get a misery soul that he never felt before… No mercy like before.

No, I’m not gonna do that, he deserved someone better. InsyaaAllah.. but who knows if it is Allah’s will.. Let him deals with it to Allah.

Coz it doesn’t necessarily he’s a bad person. I just wrote it to convinced, and somehow, I didn’t know it offended many people.. And things that happened need to be learnt.

I guessed all confessions that I had been written, I should let it be forgotten. No more comforts should be spoken.. Just like right now.. It needs to be forgotten.

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P.s: I was trying to take care of my parent’s welfare and health. But I forgot mine..

I saw his face was quite pale and Idk what’s he had gone through,but I could only pray for him for the best..